Friday, December 9, 2011

Losing a Baby

You know, I seem to be linking to Tales of a Kitchen Witch a lot lately.  Luckily, she's awesome, so no one should mind.  Regardless, her post today stirred up a memory for me.  She wrote about Michelle Duggar's miscarriage, and some of the nasty things she has seen posted online about it, and her own experiences with miscarriage.

I have one child here with me; but there are 9 other babies that I will never get to hold, never get to tell that I love them.  I have a great life, a great family and great friends - but it wasn't always that way.  So when someone gets e-bullied for having a miscarriage, it bugs me on a personal level.  I've experienced plenty of bullying about my miscarriages, so it is truly personal thing.  There are the usual people that say you can always have another child - I won't go into that here, because that isn't what this is about.  We all know at this point that a new child does not replace a lost one.  No, the thing that bothers me is that I've had so many people tell me I'm lying about my miscarriages, that I couldn't have had that many, or that I was just imagining it.

Literally.  That I was imagining it.  That it was all in my head.

One of my miscarriages - I won't say which one, because of certain events that may be identifiable to some people I know - was a little harder to handle, because some people I lived with referred to it as my fake pregnancy.

"It wasn't fake!  I LOST my baby!" I said to them once, fed up with it.

"Uh huh.  Well you aren't pregnant, are you?  Yeah."  They replied.

It is difficult to convey the snippy tone in which it was said.

In some ways, I still mourn all of my babies.  I never forget them, regardless of that I have my Brianna now.  Sometimes, at certain times of the year, I find myself thinking, "That one would have been 4 right now."  Not everyone is going to understand miscarriage.  That's okay.  What isn't okay is calling it fake because you don't understand it, have never experienced it.  After all, Karma is a kicker.  The people I mentioned above are now having fertility issues of their own, and finding themselves unable to have children.  And you know what? I hurt for them.

It never gets less sad or emotional as life goes on.  You can move forward, but you never really get over it.  So please, be compassionate to those in your life who have had a miscarriage.  Whether it is their first or their fifth, if they have other children or not, it is always devastating.

Goddess Bless,


  1. I've never heard of anyone doing this. We have enough going on without the badgering of some idiots. That's an eye-opener. That just bugs the crap out of me.

    I find myself thinking about what their development would be... Everyone around me is either getting pregnant or having/just had their baby(ies). It's bitter sweet. Stings...a lot. Making me hate holidays and family get togethers. No one knows except those closest to us.

    I don't get why someone so childish would taunt someone who suffered a miscarriage. I wouldn't wish this torment on my worst enemy--well, unless they were an evil individual, undeserving of having a family. But, you get my point.


  2. I agree with everything you said, Stacy. 100%.


  3. I've also saw a lot of nasty comments recently about the Duggers and her miscarriage. It's never OK to make light the death of anyone; especially a child.

    As technology advances and we are finding out conception earlier mothers know a lot earlier in advance if they've had a miscarriage. I had one in 2000. They are never easy and yeah you look back and think what if.

    I think it's really easy for people to make judgments. But unless you've been there you just won't understand.

  4. Nine. Oh, Sweetie. I'm so sorry. Loss is never an easy road.

  5. Hi, I have had (in order) a daughter who lived for 7 hours and we had to bury, followed by a miscarriage, a beautiful son who, despite being early, has thrived, then another miscarriages and finally a termination because my husband could not deal with the potential of another loss. I am 40 now and my child bearing days are most likely over. I am so jealous of people who have it easy or make comments about us trying for a second baby. I want to scream I've had 5 babies, but I only got to keep one. I think sometimes live is tough and people should be left to deal with that in the best way they can. Defo not to be judged by their choices or something they cannot help. How is it any worse then racism, or homophobia? I hope those people who are being mean, never have to experience the loss of a child. I wouldn't with it on my worst enemy. Sending hugs xxxx