Friday, June 24, 2011

A touchy Subject - Rape

There is an article making the rounds today from the Examiner, about a writer's role in how rape is portrayed.  It is a wonderful article, and I suggest everyone read it.

We need to stop blaming victims and survivors, because it is not their fault.  Should a man have to ask, explicitly, before sex if it is alright?  In most cases, probably not.  But that brings us to a touchy area, not covered by the article:  Partner Rape.

Call it Marital Rape, Spousal Rape, or whatever you want.  Wikipedia defines it as "non-consensual sex in which the perpetrator is the victim's spouse".  The reaction most people have is that you can't be raped by your husband or boyfriend, if you didn't want to have sex with him then you wouldn't be with him.  If you don't consent, it is rape.  Simple as that.  I wasn't quite sure I wanted to go into this issue here; partially because I try to run this more as a pagan family blog than as a person one, and partly because of my past.

You see, I'm a survivor of partner rape.  

Years before I met my Sean, I was with a man boy who was very abusive.  It started off slowly, and grew as time went on.  Self-esteem issues being what they are in "relationships" like that, I always felt I deserved such treatment.  I remember vividly the night he raped me for the first time, and I won't go into that here.  I get enough nightmares about him, thank you very much.

Regardless, after I finally got the courage to leave him and managed to tell someone what had happened, you can imagine my shock and pain when they told me that it wasn't rape because he had been my boyfriend.

Rape is rape.  The horror, the helplessness and the pain are the same - regardless of your association with the attacker.

I'm not quite sure how to end this post, to be honest.  I'm not trying to get sympathy, just create awareness.  It is one of those subjects with me that I could go on about forever.  So, since this post is about a controversial subject anyway, lets ask a controversial question.  How do you define rape?

Goddess Bless,



  1. *hugs*
    Thank you for posting this... As you know, I'm a victim of the same. I had the one benefit of anyone who had met my ex seemed to understand, just in seeing how he treated me in day-to-day life. But even so, its hard to explain... especially when you get into subjects of "Well why did you let him? Why didn't you leave? Why don't you report him?" These questions don't have easy answers... I still don't know what to say about some of it.

    One of the hardest things is people assuming that because you have had sex before, you will always be okay with it... no. It is not okay when he loses his temper and holds you down. It is not okay if you have some reason not to (For me, I'm prone to UTI's and yeast infections especially when I'm on antibiotics, so I just don't want to have sex when I have antibiotics at all) and he pushes or pressures, or waits until you are asleep. So, no, yes once does not mean yes always.

    As for how I define rape? Anything short of saying yes. Mind you, yes does not need to be verbal... if you're kissing, making out, she takes off your pants and jumps you, safe bet is thats a yes. Best thing is to always be obvious about your intentions so she has time to say no... show her the condom with an inquisitive look, and that can about take care of things.

    Thank you again for putting this out here.

  2. You are absolutely correct. Rape is rape. Consent should not be implied by lack of words. From one sex abuse survivor to another- you're not alone. Stay strong and keep fighting for all of the women in your life 1 out every 3 of whom will be sexually abused within her lifetime.

  3. I agree with your POV. Rape is rape if it's not consensual on all ends.

    Thank you for sharing your story, Stacy.

  4. I honor your courage to put yourself out there. I agree rape is rape, I don't care who it is.
    Thank you for your post.